I talk to homeless people.

My worst fear is losing my mind.

You find yourself in a strange place surrounded by blurred faces. You can't distinguish fact from fiction nor friend from foe. The only fragment of reality and what's concrete is the fact that you're lost. You arrived here somehow and now that you're here, you have no idea what you're suppose to do. We all crave knowledge. Knowledge is power; yada yada yada. The truth of the matter is, as long as we are comfortable and left to our own devices, will we forever remain lost and alone. Where the fuck is this going? Pull up a chair asshole. I'll explain.

When I was 10 or so, I had an epitome. Believe it or not, I became self aware. It was an extreme sense of self awareness. I started to look at my hand and wondered how I was able to control it. My thoughts then became rampant as I obsessed over how I was able to control any function of my body. I then began to think if others thought the same. I came to the conclusion that nobody could see what I saw, hear what I heard or comprehend things the way I did. This new form of understanding sprouted a dark thought that lasted only a few minutes. What if, the world I'm living in, was built out of my own imagination? What if the people I interacted with lacked a conscience and I was the only reason for their existence. What if my drive or determination to do anything was built on a false sense that I had an obligation to these people? If I ceased to exist, would they continue on with their existence or perish along with the world I had created? The thought vanished as my mom screamed at me for not cleaning my room while I stared off into space like a weirdo. My sense of responsibility returned to me and I continued on.

A year ago, I revisited this thought mostly to understand what it was I had been thinking and what conclusion I could make of it. By now I understand that we all have a conscious mind that we are plagued with trying to maintain.

I talk to homeless people.

I've been having 5-10 minute conversations with random homeless persons over the past 6 years. It started while I served in the military. I was in Jaurez, Mexico with some Army buddies and as I was waiting for them to stagger out of the club, I was approached by some black dude asking for money. I gave him $5 and asked him how he ended up homeless in Mexico. Apparently, he had a share of hardships that eventually left him without his wife, kids or any friends. Many homeless conversations later, I was able to piece together that the only way a person could end up homeless was not by being completely broke but by not having any family or friends. How could someone not have any family or friends? Well, mostly by choice. The concept that some people choose to be homeless was baffling to me until approached with the idea that it is their refusal to conform to society that enables them to live that way. They don't have to worry about bills, care what people think about them, etc.. They just live their lives and to us it appears to suck but for some, they couldn't be happier. Don't think that everybody you see begging for money is homeless or is struggling. Some homeless people have jobs, homes and a family to support. Some make over $200 a day. Insane right? They also work in groups. They rotate street corners, sometimes fight over them, run shifts and keep each other updated on when police are in the area. Support groups and organizations who care for the homeless have tried to help them off the street but from what I've been told, some require them to work and pay dues. The thought of going from $200 a day to possibly $30 doesn't sound to profitable and they usually turn down such offers. Church's are the same way. Most of them anyway.

Why did I go off on a tangent about homeless people? Well, they helped me get away from my sense of reality and from the conformity of my life. They helped me realize that we all live together, separately. We just live. My goals, aspirations in life vary drastically from everyone. Not everybody wants to be successful. That's a lie. Most just want to be. Society tries to tell you what you want without letting you decide on your own. I know what I want. I don't want to see blurred faces anymore. I don't want to see titles, nametags, clouds, bubbles, tags, etc... I want to see lives. People. I want to connect with people on a different level. Not just, give and take or exchange this for that. Just tell me about yourself. That's it. We are not alone and never will be.


Sherlock Holmes knows homeless people better than you do

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